Lament of the Mind

Might contain some NSFW-ish stuff, so going behind a cut. Gonna be a little whiny.

I find it so pathetic that there are nights where I do nothing but think about what it’s liked to be touched, to be comforted, to know physical affection. It probably amazes people, but I’m 24 and I have absolutely no personal experience with it. I can imagine, a little bit, but…the touch of another person is so foreign to me. I cannot remember the last time someone touched me like they cared. Other than a hug here or there, I don’t think it’s EVER happened, and definitely not intimately.

When I talk about needing a partner, I’m sure the first thought through a lot of peoples’ minds is, “Oh he just wants sex.” It’s no secret that I’m still a virgin. Hell it’s practically an open joke at this point. And I won’t lie, sex sounds awesome! It’s definitely on the list of things I want! But it’s not nearly as high as most people think.

Far more than sex, I want a personal relationship. I want to love, and trust, and comfort, and be loved and trusted and comforted in return. And yes, I want that to include physical stuff! I have physical hypersensitivity. I can feel almost anything, anywhere, any time. Touching me? That’s probably the deepest, most sincere form of intimacy possible for me. And I want to return the favor! I know so much about how sensitive bodies can be, and even for normal folks, where to touch, and how, to create simply overwhelming sensations. (And no, not all sexually! Though sensually, definitely.) I want to be with a person and feel an extremely potent physical, mental, and emotional connection to them. I NEED to show someone what I’m capable of, to give everything of myself to them…and in turn, have them give everything of themself to me.

I know, if allowed to be, I could be simply a wonderful partner. I know, if there’s enough there, enough between us, that I can take it and weave it into a beautiful tapestry of love and trust. I’ve never been given that chance before, never even been allowed to take the first step…and such is my greatest regret.

Thinking about all this has just made me lonelier. But I felt that someone had to know, at least.