Lament of the Mind

Actual Quotes from my Dad (An English Teacher)

1. Dad: Why the hell did you put a comma there?
2. Dad: Do you even know what a participial phrase is?
3. Dad: Omg. He's like my favorite character of all time.
4. Dad: Who should I dress up as for the movie premier?
5. Dad: Hey are you awake? I know it's late, but you read Animal Farm, right? Yeah. I need you to read this report. I can't tell if I am just super tired or if this is actual bullshit.
6. Dad: Alesha wouldn't be able to spell 'definitely' right if wrote it down for her. She would fucking erase it and then write 'defiantly', because she doesn't care. I hate her.
7. Dad: I need you to bake brownies. I lost a bet.
8. Dad: Omg. You cannot ship me with Gilcher. You know I don't like tattoos and he's like twenty-five. And for Christ's sake, he teaches math.
9. Dad: Omg. Gilcher said the funniest thing today.
10. Dad: Mrs. Ashworth and I have decided to start a band. It'll be called Great Expectations.
11. Dad: It's like you didn't read the fucking book.
12. Dad: Okay. So this week you're reading this book I stole from Mrs. Ashworth's. It's like sixty pages long, but you'll love it.
13. Dad: *puts books on my bed for me to read everyday and demands that I read them*
14. Dad: My son doesn't like reading. I have not only failed him, but society. You aren't my son. Leave.
15. Dad: Okay. So you're getting books for Christmas. All of you. I get discounts on them since I'm a teacher, and since I'm a teacher, it's all I can afford, so...
16. Dad: Fucking standardized testing can go fuck itself in the ass.
17. Dad: I have to teach for the required testing instead of what they really need to know.
18. Dad: Fuck the government.
19. Dad: Fuck the school board.
20. Dad: Close the door.
21. Dad: Charles Dickens was so fucking pretentious, and I hate him, but he also caused change, but he's such a Dick. Ha. DICKens.
22. Dad: I love puns.
23. Dad: People who say sarcasm is the lowest form of humor are assholes.
24. Dad: Please shut up.
25. Dad: Catching Fire was the worst book but the best movie and that feels weird.
26. Dad: I wouldn't get so mad when you call me at school if you didn't change your ringtones to inappropriate rap music.
27. Dad: I fucking hate Alesha. She asked what countries were apart of Austria-Hungary today and I almost told her to get out.
28. Dad: You cannot visit my school in a dress that short. There are boys there.
29. Dad: Barbra Parks is fucking Queen.
30. Dad: I need you to make me a good, relaxing playlist for silent reading. I'm too lazy.
31. Dad: If I have to watch two of my students grind on each other at one more dance, I will kill them both.
32. Dad: They act like I care what they think.
33. Dad: I hate homework.
34. Dad: I have decided to become a politician.
35. Dad: What's the one book with the guys and the one kills the other and the chick without a name who dies and the short angry man? Mouseman? Oh my fucking gosh. Of Mice and Men. I have failed.