Lament of the Mind

List of things to say when someone asks why you don’t want kids

nerdfighterwhatevernumbers:

• I promised my firstborn to a witch and really don’t want to make good on the deal
  
• Well you can have them FOR me if it’s that big a deal to you
• I don’t think I could get a good price for em on the black market
• Fight me Helen
• I can’t be a better parent than Angelina Jolie so why even bother
• That’s my nindo. My ninja way.
  
• I literally JUST sat down
• Recite “The Highway Man” from Over the Garden Wall
• Kids? What are those? I don’t understand. What are these youOH GRAVY WHAT IS THAT!?
• Oohhh no, I’ve seen Disney movies, I know what happens to mothers
• Centipedes? In my vagina?
• *Angrily* YOU SEE!? This is just like that episode of Spongebob! *insert the plot of any episode of Spongebob in excruciating detail*
  
• I heard they’re.. you know.. itchy. Like, as soon as you have a kid. Just totally itchy. Everything.
• I’m an Aries
• Well, we already got an even number so.. *shrug*
• I must first capture the Avatar to regain my honor
  
• I’m allergic
• That’s just what the communists want!
• I’ve been dead for seven years
• Santa didn’t bring me one last Christmas, so I guess it’s no meant to be
• I’m afraid they’ll have bad taste in memes
• It would be unfair to my cat
• I’m chaotic neutral
• *long farting noise lasting at least 45 seconds*
• “I don’t want to have children, I want to stay single, and let my hair flow in the wind as I ride through the glen firing arrows into the sunset.”