Lament of the Mind

Which Trolls should you fight

gamzee:

Aradia | Who wins; Aradia
Aradia fights with a whip. Do you know why? There is no practical application for a whip in combat. She doesn’t need it. Instead she will punch you, to death. With her fists. And a mountain. Don’t fight Aradia.

Tavros | Who wins: Doesn’t matter
Why the fuck would you fight Tavros? Why the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with you? Why the fuck would you want to fight Tavros? Shame on you. Don’t fight Tavros.

Sollux | Who wins: You
Sure he has psiionic powers that can crush buildings, propel meteors through space, and fire some kind of x-men level bullshit from his fucking eyes. Counterpoint? He’s a nerd. You have to win. Find a way. Fight Sollux.

Nepeta | Who wins: Nepeta
She has eaten larger, uglier things than you for breakfast on a bad day, I guarantee it. Do not fight Nepeta.

Karkat | Who wins: You
There is no way you lose to Karkat. If for some reason he starts getting the upper hand, distract him by insulting 50 first dates. Tell him you thought I Am Legend was a bit of a let down compared to the original short story. Attack him with improvised weapons while he cries about will smith’s dog. Fight Karkat.

Kanaya | Who wins: KANAYA
DO NOT FIGHT KANAYA. IN BETWEEN BEING A PART-TIME LUMBERJACK, SHE PUNCHES PEOPLE OFF OF BUILDINGS. HER WEAPON OF CHOICE IS A FUCKING CHAINSAW. HER ARMS ARE PROBABLY BUILT LIKE STEEL SUSPENSION CABLES. SHE IS A VAMPIRE. SHE HAS KILLED BEFORE. SHE WILL KILL AGAIN. DON’T FIGHT KANAYA.

Terezi | Who wins: ???
Whether or not you beat Terezi is a matter of politics, and ultimately irrelevant. She’s already accounted for the possibility of loss. She has a backup plan. She has a backup backup plan. Even when she loses, she wins. Ask yourself; are you an irredeemable, stupid douchebag? If so, fight Terezi. You deserve it. If not, fight her anyway so you have the honor of saying you did.

Vriska | Who wins: Nobody
Don’t fight Vriska. Even if you win, you will have interacted with Vriska.

Equius | Who wins: You
Equius is very unlikely to fight back, because he’s weird like that, but also probably a good guy that doesn’t want to pop your skull like a strawberry truffle. So, fight Equius. It’ll be funny.

Gamzee | Who wins: You, maybe
But do not fight Gamzee.

Eridan | Who wins: I Don’t care
Fight Eridan. Fight him right now. Do you want money? I’ll pay you money. I have $9 in my wallet right now and $200 in my bank account and I will give it all to you if you will fight Eridan. Fight Eridan. Please.

Feferi | Who wins: Feferi
Feferi wins, and sends flowers to your recovery room. She teaches your niece how to play piano. She pays your hospital bill, and visits the kids in pediatrics down the hall. Your friends and family like her better than you. You like her better than you. Fight Feferi if you love feeling inadequate and hate having intact legbones. Otherwise, don’t fight Feferi.