Lament of the Mind

I made this tumblr to be a place to ramble and talk my way through my problems, and maybe help myself in the process.

Now, though, I feel like I severely underutilize it… mostly because I feel like no one cares. I feel so disconnected from everyone. I feel so incredibly isolated.

I don’t really have friends, not in the traditional sense. I have people I talk to occasionally. People who I casually know. But I never do anything with these people. I rarely talk one-on-one with anyone. I don’t have fun. I don’t go anywhere. I don’t even see other people. 99% of the time, I am completely alone and silent - the other 1% is my family.

It’s hard to decide which is closer to the truth - no one cares about me, no one is able to care about me, or no one knows enough to care. Arguing between the three is pointless though, because I know so few people that the distinction is moot.

I am a social creature who is very, very much alone. I need validation, I need support, I need purpose, and I need interaction. I have so little of these.

Over the last couple months, I was kicked from my WoW guild’s raid team, then my guild. I’ll not go into the details of why - I don’t think it was justified, and lots of people had lots of issues with it - but it has hurt me something dearly. My guild was pretty much the last bastion of “friendship” and social interaction I had in this world. They made me feel…normal, almost, and accepted by at least someone. Now that I’ve been removed, my contact with them has dropped to almost zero. The effect, as you can imagine, was dramatic. My sleep schedule is gone. I feel like I have no purpose, like I merely wander to keep myself distracted. I speak to no one. I do things alone or not at all. It’s made my precarious position even more fragile.

I…suppose this post was just talking to myself, and trying to justify how I’m feeling. It certainly wasn’t to make me feel better…because it definitely failed at that.